random-ness (;

grarh. i need someone to remind me to stop thinking and just let my brain ROT.

pft. i dont care sann, i am NOT emo. grr

but i cant help it can i?

tired. physical. mental. emotional.

alot of should is and should i nots.

alot of things goin through.

everything else seems to have stopped now that school reopened.

it’s like. i lost my life. school is like 99.9999% of the time. so much i cant live a life.

so much i am afraid that i am gonna just die on the first month of school.

i am dreading school. dreading mornings. dreading aftrns. dreading lessons.

like whatt ttm has said, the purpose of going to school now seems like it is so that i can go home. [i still think it makes sense]

tempted. but i know i cant. for it is just so impt. but i am NOT spending any time.

looking forward to CNY. cos that is when i finally get to see my cousins.

but i wanna thank DENNIS for HEI TANG! though i still cant watch it.

i really need more time. for everything.

tired.

have you ever heard? lauren actually can fall asleep watching teevee. since when? urghh.

stressed.

歌曲：walk away
歌手：范逸臣 专辑：不说出的温柔

作词:磐子 范逸臣
作曲:林其玉
编曲:郭建良

every time i try to walk away
忘了我是谁
无所谓不需要再虚伪
every time i try to walk away
忘了你是谁
一个人就拥有一切
oh～一整片蔚蓝的天
wu～ oh～
蔚蓝的天

我想乘着这一阵风
远离这世界
留下太刻意装的笑脸
要越过地平线
oh 不管时间没有地点
我决定我的期限
往前走会发现有改变
(walk away 这世界改变)

to mel: i really am sorry for what happened the first time we went k…really.  go again yeah?  we’re still k-buddies!

nah i wont mention much…because i found out i am beginning to learn to not to care.

anyways, i love “walk away”’s lyrics. somehow it is telling me what i shd be doing now… somethings, i really dont want to do but i cant control. stupid.

“If friends are mere hi+bye, i rather wish i never would meet you on the street again.
If friends are awkwardness when met, i rather hope you hoped that there’s no need for us to meet again.
If friends are mere there because we met before, maybe we should forget we have ever met.
If friends are friends because it is so defined as “A person whom one knows; an acquaintance”, i really think, it belittles the status of friends.”and the ppt i was talking about, it says that friends are those who after you talk to, you can still leave smiling at what you talked about.

i dont want to go too deep into this issue again, for i know yiling will gimme the face again, and jing will most prob say i am trying to be cheem. and i dont want to be sent for the damn counselling again. i am sorry, even if you are reading this, get this clear: i dont care about what you think because you are of NO importance to me. none at all. just because you are a teacher it doesnt mean that you have a right to control how i think. hate me for all you want. do i really care? when i dont even care how yiling and jing will react to this…and they are obviously of more importance than you.

i am tired of having to try to treat people as friends, when i cant even treat myself truthfully. this sucks. another thing will be the team…you need trust. i can get myself to trust them on the surface. it is no problem. but the thing is, i dont even know if i trust them or not, because i dont even trust myself. got an answer, respond please. the last time i thought, i thought that online portals are the best for me to face myself, but perhaps i am wrong again.

and like what i’ve told ruth, perhaps the only one i can consider a friend would be xinying. yes be honoured cos you are the only one i can really trust with my stuff. and we are more than hi-bye. we are cousins. awkwardness, dont think so…as compared to all the other people around me.

and of course, like what i’ve told jing, music. that’s something that can cross all barriers…

anyways, xiao jing teng + zhang hui mei = the best! both can sing and both have nice voice…added up together you get something nice of course xiao jing teng + cao ge + yang zong wei too! i shall go check xing guang bang’s cd out soon…and of course, FIRs. i am alr listening to it. NICE :)  di shi xing xing is good a little like revolution i like X)

oh yah i think i am gonna convert this blog to a blog about random stuff alr…

i’ve one for my own thoughts (the one xinying cant read (X ), one for music (the one i only told leng), and this would be the random-ing one…when i cant seem to fit it into any of the others…

hmm, perhaps cos i really dont want to tell anyone anything anymore.

shit. papers start tmrw. i have 0% confidence. and i am thinking about stuff right now…some blog postts, some ppt, some people, some show, i just started thinking again…

 everything boils down to one thing…something i may never be able to achieve i guess.

Fuck is an English word that, as a verb, means to engage in sexual intercourse. The word is generally considered very offensive.

It is unclear whether the word has always been considered vulgar, and if not, when it first started to be considered vulgar. Some evidence indicates that in some English-speaking locales it was considered acceptable as late as the 17th century meaning “to strike” or “to penetrate.”^[1] Other evidence indicates that it may have become vulgar as early as the 16th century in England, although neither set of evidence is inherently contradictory to the other, since many words have multiple connotations. The word became increasingly offensive over time because of its usage to describe (often in an extremely angry, hostile or belligerent manner) negative or unpleasant circumstances or people in an intentionally offensive way, such as in the term “motherfucker”, one of its more common usages.

-taken from wiki.

and another one which is also from wiki under the singapore slang stuff

• “Recruit, you better wake up your idea, OK? Don’t let me fuck you!” (You’d better improve your attitude, recruit, or I’ll give you a good dressing-down.)
• “He damn idle one, that’s why always kena fuck“. (He’s very lazy, that’s why he’s always getting scolded.) Kena is a Malay-derived word meaning “to get” and used to indicate the passive voice, i.e. that the subject has been the recipient of an (usually unpleasant) action. “One” is usually used as a suffixed possessive particle, a direct translation of the Chinese “de” or the Malay “punya”, but in this case functions as an adjectival particle.

have been thinking these days, why is fuck a swear word? i mean..it means sexual intercourse and so? just like the cheebai word…vagina, what;s that got to do with scolding people? makes no sense.

i mean, it’s like when you go “i am fucking pissed”, you mean you are pissed having sexual intercourse?!?! if you are so pissed then just stop doing it lah! it doesnt make sense does it. asked those people who use the word a lot, and they have no idea. stupid lahh, you are using a word when you dont even know why it is a swear word?!?! and it is offensive cos it describes negative stuff? that is stupid lah. does that mean “stupid” is a swear word too?!

some things, just cant be changed.

watched it before, yet it’s so sad i can nearly tear the 2nd time i watch it.

how he takes everything by himself, and how she actually abandons him.

how dance is their life.

how…

left training early today for bbq…

thought alot on the train. the noise when gg through the tunnel sounded exceptionally loud…

if one day, i really have to stop training, will i miss the bballers together on the train like i did today? if…

suddenly thought of the random comment eeleng made. bball is their life lahh. is it? or is it not? perhaps it’s already a habit…but habits, they can be changed…just that they take a longer time. i dont know.

but it seems that i am not working hard enough. it seems that i suck in the game. it seems that i am not improving at all, not a bit.

though i must admit that when i gt there i felt alot better…because i have such nice relatives…orangutans (:

and shawn won (: good job ((: orangutan dont cry!

“ 你是第几号过客？1，2，3….不，过客多到数不清了。那么，你今天想当第几号过客？你想留下怎样的印象，给我怎样的影响？想好再答哦，我不想第一印象就是谎言。把今天的日期记下，把你将离开的日期写下。到时，记得要离开哦。”

让我陪着你，多久都愿意 他现在心里唯一想说的就是这句话吧。不明白，他真的不明白。为何他不能成为住客，只能当过客。他没勇气问，他不想连当过客的机会都没有。说实在的，成为过客谁都能够，分别在与留下的印象。他想要的，并不是当过客的机会，而是把这过客留下的印象转变成好的，希望能够渐渐成为住客。为了她，他不管付出多少；为了她，他愿意把所拥有的一切都放下，一切都只是为了她的一副发自内心的笑容。

对外常常带着一副笑容的她，何时是真心，何时是假意，说到最后其实她自己都不清楚。对外说的一字一句，何时是因为自己真得这样觉得，何时是因为习惯性的虚伪，她也不知道。演戏，已经成为她的一部分了。这一切，他比她还要清楚。是谁遗失了你我愿陪着你找回自己。。。

她明白自己演的这出戏只会伤害更多人，才不让任何人住进属于她的圈圈，只让他们当过客。她却没想到，这种想法才是最伤人的看法，而她其实是不想面对自己会受伤害的可能。

****

“那么，离开的日期能够是空着的吗？”隔了半秒，他认真地问。之前的压抑，在今天终于爆发了。

她微微笑，“不行，规矩说明了，只要有开始就要有结束，没有东西是永久的，每个人都是过客，没有例外。”

“规矩，是谁定的？”

她无法辨出一个答案，因为她自己根本就不知道。又或者说，她不知道自己真正想的是什么，她不想再欺骗自己。她选择保持着沉默。

“是你吗？难道说游戏必定要依着你的规矩而进行吗？”

“没错，因为这是属于我的圈圈。”这样的一句话，就脱口而出。她自己也不清楚为何会后这种反应。那是她真心话，还是为了配合剧本的对白，她也不清楚。

她眼前的这个人，她明明想留住，她明明不想让他走，但对于对白，她又无法控制。是因为习惯了吗？是因为习惯在别人面前扮演某个角色了吗？或许，她已经忘了自己，已经找不到自己，再也找不到任何属于自己的事情了。

他哼了一声，不回答，转身就走。心里的煎熬，没人能了解。为何，为何你就是不让我踏入你的世界？为何你如此自私？不让我踏进你的世界，却偏偏踏进我的世界不走？

看着他的背影，脸上不禁露出了一丝失望的表情。但这却在下一秒钟就消失了。她到底是害怕什么？是害怕别人了解自己真正在想的，还是害怕自己会被残酷的世界给欺骗？

****

躺在床上，看着满天星。闭上眼睛，听着自己稳中的呼吸声，听着自己的心跳声。心跳声，似乎给他了启发，似乎让他看清自己的心。手机上的字幕打出了几个字“对你的感觉，你明明知道。你明明知道我是喜欢你的，但为何你就是不接受我？你要我怎样做，你说啊！是为了让我放弃吗？要我放弃，就先叫我如何放下啊！不放下如何放弃？”

“你想怎样是你的决定啊，与我无关。”

苦等几年的结果，就只有这样吗？难道说他所有的努力都没有结果？这种结果，他并不想接受，但一切都摆在面前。她的决定始终是把他搁在圈外。或许这就已经足够让他放下一切的感觉了吧。对于这种苦等，是谁都会厌倦。

“好吧。离开的日期，我现在就能够告诉你。就是今天。”

“生命，不就是一连串的戏，每个人都是戏里的角色，随时随地都在演戏，说好自己的对白，不能面对自己真正想的。而生命里的角色，个个都是过客。当这出戏到了结局，这一些角色都是过客，不存在着。戏里，能够喜欢你；但戏外，你只是个过客了。再见了，这场戏的男主角。”

简讯的两端，收音机播着同样的一句歌词“紧紧相依的心如何say goodbye”。只看见两滴泪慢慢地落下，而那两滴泪慢慢地转变成笑容。两副笑容，都是为了掩饰。他，真的成为了永远的过客，从此消失在她的生命里。。。

要安慰一個人、開解一個人，往往比開解自己容易“看開一點，都已經是過去的事情了，何必在意”也不曉得是不知道要說什麽時硬擠出來的一句話，還是一句理所當然要說的話，又或是真的應該如此做的一句話

心煩

有時候不是不明白對方到底在想什麽，心情是什麽，只是不知如何表示自己的明白。就算明確地說 “我知道，我明白”，仿佛很敷衍，總是沒法表達真正要顯示的關心

遺憾

所謂要好的朋友之間，是完全不能有秘密的嗎？若這群好朋友有10個人，是不是所有10個人的秘密都應該互相知道？

天真

人這感情的動物很複雜

有時候毫無顧慮去做一件事反而有意想不到的好效果，但無心插柳的機會也像奇跡，可以希望不可期望。有時帶着求好的心，弄巧反拙的機會更高。順其自然，又有很多心碎，無法自己掌控的事，很煩。

如果

儅你發現連簡單的喜歡與不喜歡都沒法明確表白，往往得做不想做的事，才發現，真的，長大了。

有時懷疑，任性的選擇與決定是否真的做錯。

我搞不懂

怎麽了

quoted from my favouritest part time DJ really really hope i’ll end up like her one day.

the point is, think about it lah…all of these are so true lah. 那些客套话，那些临时编出来的话，都已经成为理所当然了。有多少时候，你说那几句话，真的是来自自己的心里？有多少时候，你是因为真的明白那种道理而说出那种话的？自己想想吧。。。

lost.

who exactly am i?

am i what i appear to be?

am i what i used to be?

am i what i think i am?

i thought i figured that out.

apparently i havent.

wrong.

i have. but i lost it again.

i cant find myself anywhere.

not on the court.

not in music.

not in teevee.

where exactly am i?

who exactly am i?

i dont recognise myself anymore,

i dont.

i dont understand myself anymore,

i dont know what i am thinking anymore,

i dont agree with what i am doing anymore…

in fact, i hate the me now.

in fact, i am freaked out by the me now.

i dont want to face myself anymore.

i am living for you people

but i have no idea what i am doing.

you people say i have changed for the better,

you people say you are happy for the me now.

your happiness, apparently is built on me being freaked out.

someone, anyone, bring me back to who i was.

even if you all are going to hate me,

at the very least, i know myself.

at the very least, i will not get freaked out by myself.

at the very least…even if i am going to be alone….