random-ness (;

“If friends are mere hi+bye, i rather wish i never would meet you on the street again.
If friends are awkwardness when met, i rather hope you hoped that there’s no need for us to meet again.
If friends are mere there because we met before, maybe we should forget we have ever met.
If friends are friends because it is so defined as “A person whom one knows; an acquaintance”, i really think, it belittles the status of friends.”and the ppt i was talking about, it says that friends are those who after you talk to, you can still leave smiling at what you talked about.

i dont want to go too deep into this issue again, for i know yiling will gimme the face again, and jing will most prob say i am trying to be cheem. and i dont want to be sent for the damn counselling again. i am sorry, even if you are reading this, get this clear: i dont care about what you think because you are of NO importance to me. none at all. just because you are a teacher it doesnt mean that you have a right to control how i think. hate me for all you want. do i really care? when i dont even care how yiling and jing will react to this…and they are obviously of more importance than you.

i am tired of having to try to treat people as friends, when i cant even treat myself truthfully. this sucks. another thing will be the team…you need trust. i can get myself to trust them on the surface. it is no problem. but the thing is, i dont even know if i trust them or not, because i dont even trust myself. got an answer, respond please. the last time i thought, i thought that online portals are the best for me to face myself, but perhaps i am wrong again.

and like what i’ve told ruth, perhaps the only one i can consider a friend would be xinying. yes be honoured cos you are the only one i can really trust with my stuff. and we are more than hi-bye. we are cousins. awkwardness, dont think so…as compared to all the other people around me.

and of course, like what i’ve told jing, music. that’s something that can cross all barriers…

anyways, xiao jing teng + zhang hui mei = the best! both can sing and both have nice voice…added up together you get something nice of course xiao jing teng + cao ge + yang zong wei too! i shall go check xing guang bang’s cd out soon…and of course, FIRs. i am alr listening to it. NICE :)  di shi xing xing is good a little like revolution i like X)

oh yah i think i am gonna convert this blog to a blog about random stuff alr…

i’ve one for my own thoughts (the one xinying cant read (X ), one for music (the one i only told leng), and this would be the random-ing one…when i cant seem to fit it into any of the others…

hmm, perhaps cos i really dont want to tell anyone anything anymore.

i am sorry if i did stuff i shdnt do. i am sorry if i acted not like how i used to. i am sorry that i cant find the real me back. i am sorry i had to break down in front of you pple.

i dont like it, i dont like behaving differently in front of different people. why cant lauren be lauren, no matter where she is, no matter who she is facing?

what cant i be as strong as i was? really. i suck. finally, reconfirmed the meaning of “有些回忆，不去碰它会比较美好。” lesson learnt: dont treat anyone too well; dont assume anything can be for life, do what you want to do, just follow your heart. it’s not like you can do anything to change what you really want to do. and dont assume that the present can be as nice as the past, and that feelings will fade. and always remember that, there is no one you can trust, not even yourself when you are trying to hide what you really want. and leave things as they are, no point trying to redo things, it’ll only stain the memories.

LAUREN HATES HERSELF FOR NUTS. BRING ME BACK TO WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE, PLEASE?

why does lauren behave so differently?

why can she be so matured in one second, and the next second she becomes so innocent, away from the rest of the world?

which exactly is the real real real lauren?

why is she not who she is?

cant understand? because she cant understand either…she has no idea what she is talking about.

no, maybe one of her doesnt, the other does.

the look in her eyes…the flashes of sadness, of innocence, of maturity, of schemingness, of the evil of the world

so she hasnt been completely taken over by the evilness of society?

so she can still have the innocence in the eyes?

or will she one day….end up having the TANK eyes, where it shows the sadness, even when he is smiling.

the kind of childhood she has, it was perfectly great.

is that the kind of memories that is keeping her innocent and the occasional happy?

过去的东西就让它保持着当时的感觉，不要再去触碰它，那回忆才会一直美丽??

maybe, i shouldnt touch this memory? maybe i should just stay home on friday?

p.s. derrick sounds cute when he was young <3 so totally in love once again. see, this is what i means.

awhe4ur iovyq8bm8qlweac`bujh

tired.

lost.

pissed.

which describes me the best now?

all i know is: the bballers are still the best, no matter what happens.

njc bball…it means both guys and gals.

not in the mood to do anything.

i really feel like cursing.

i really feel like saying the word/

i really feel like just crying,

but i promised myself no more tears.

lauren sucks.

simple things like this,

yet she cant even do it.

lauren really really misses the bballers, though it hasnt been more than 12 hrs.

lauren really really misses 2Gee, each and every person in it.

i really cannot wait till the 10th aug.

i really cannot wait till i see xinying again.

really, i wonder, who am i?

who am i to me?

who am i to you?

who exactly am i?

lost.

who exactly am i?

am i what i appear to be?

am i what i used to be?

am i what i think i am?

i thought i figured that out.

apparently i havent.

wrong.

i have. but i lost it again.

i cant find myself anywhere.

not on the court.

not in music.

not in teevee.

where exactly am i?

who exactly am i?

i dont recognise myself anymore,

i dont.

i dont understand myself anymore,

i dont know what i am thinking anymore,

i dont agree with what i am doing anymore…

in fact, i hate the me now.

in fact, i am freaked out by the me now.

i dont want to face myself anymore.

i am living for you people

but i have no idea what i am doing.

you people say i have changed for the better,

you people say you are happy for the me now.

your happiness, apparently is built on me being freaked out.

someone, anyone, bring me back to who i was.

even if you all are going to hate me,

at the very least, i know myself.

at the very least, i will not get freaked out by myself.

at the very least…even if i am going to be alone….

 dont you? i miss the quarrels the stupid stuff did the craziest stuff did the fights the everything we did together. if time could go back would i still do what i did? if time could go back would i still be where i am? if time could go back…

[quote]曾经有位广播界的前辈告诉我，当广播员是要有一些天分的；在别人眼里，“坏蛋”的人是最具创意的；我自己认为，我们主持人是很情绪化的（包括我），所以，我的好朋友都了解这点，也可以接受我的情绪化，不过，现在老了，情绪也不怎么能起变化，你认为是好是坏？哈哈！[/quote] from http://rinexxx.wordpress.com

heh. do i have the tian fen? i dunno. am i a huai dan? who knows? but i know i am QUITE qing xu hua. for those who know know me, yeah you know i am.

can you please reappear one more time? just reappear one last time. i ask for nothing else. that is all i want to ask for…please?

perhaps it is the last time, the last week…after this, give me the courage please. the courage to put everything aside. if it means i have to stuff my brain with stuff so i can prevent myself from thinking about….

if you have something against me just say it. 我不相信你对我没有偏见…三岁小孩子都看得出来..你看我不爽我也看你不爽啊。XINYING! SAVE ME MANN!!!

maybe…tmrw, i shall do shoutouts…i mean it, if you are there, you matter…或许你根本就不稀罕，或许根本就对你没影响,but….

[/edit] you like a person for who the person is, not for what the person is…is that right? or is that wrong? sometimes i wonder…the materialism of the world and all…

sheesh. i dont like the way i am writing now…or rather i see no purpose in writing…i miss xiaoshuos. i miss those xiaoshuos where i get my inspiration from all over the place and when after writing i feel a sense of accomplishment. maybe i shall start writing my own xiaoshuos…cannot like that….my blog entries are starting to become meaningless (i dun care bt this…i mean the other one). maybe i shd just stop for awhile and get back the feeling before restarting? i dunno…but i really dont like the way i am doing stuff now. meaningless. but think again, what is the true meaning of life? life is meaningless too, isnt it? JINGGGGNINGGGG I NEED HELP LAHH….HELP ME THINK CAN?