random-ness (;

i am sorry if i did stuff i shdnt do. i am sorry if i acted not like how i used to. i am sorry that i cant find the real me back. i am sorry i had to break down in front of you pple.

i dont like it, i dont like behaving differently in front of different people. why cant lauren be lauren, no matter where she is, no matter who she is facing?

what cant i be as strong as i was? really. i suck. finally, reconfirmed the meaning of “有些回忆，不去碰它会比较美好。” lesson learnt: dont treat anyone too well; dont assume anything can be for life, do what you want to do, just follow your heart. it’s not like you can do anything to change what you really want to do. and dont assume that the present can be as nice as the past, and that feelings will fade. and always remember that, there is no one you can trust, not even yourself when you are trying to hide what you really want. and leave things as they are, no point trying to redo things, it’ll only stain the memories.

LAUREN HATES HERSELF FOR NUTS. BRING ME BACK TO WHERE I AM SUPPOSED TO BE, PLEASE?

why does lauren behave so differently?

why can she be so matured in one second, and the next second she becomes so innocent, away from the rest of the world?

which exactly is the real real real lauren?

why is she not who she is?

cant understand? because she cant understand either…she has no idea what she is talking about.

no, maybe one of her doesnt, the other does.

the look in her eyes…the flashes of sadness, of innocence, of maturity, of schemingness, of the evil of the world

so she hasnt been completely taken over by the evilness of society?

so she can still have the innocence in the eyes?

or will she one day….end up having the TANK eyes, where it shows the sadness, even when he is smiling.

the kind of childhood she has, it was perfectly great.

is that the kind of memories that is keeping her innocent and the occasional happy?

过去的东西就让它保持着当时的感觉，不要再去触碰它，那回忆才会一直美丽??

maybe, i shouldnt touch this memory? maybe i should just stay home on friday?

p.s. derrick sounds cute when he was young <3 so totally in love once again. see, this is what i means.

whoots congratz milubing on getting zui jia zuo ci jiang for 泪！nice nice nice! the lyrics really sad also lahh, but yayyy they rawkk and and and and lauren just fell in love with JS! yeahh i know they ARE good lahh…but i fell in love with them just AGAIN! lol lol lol “D happy happy happy!! and and and yayy shi ying is on charts X)

left training early today for bbq…

thought alot on the train. the noise when gg through the tunnel sounded exceptionally loud…

if one day, i really have to stop training, will i miss the bballers together on the train like i did today? if…

suddenly thought of the random comment eeleng made. bball is their life lahh. is it? or is it not? perhaps it’s already a habit…but habits, they can be changed…just that they take a longer time. i dont know.

but it seems that i am not working hard enough. it seems that i suck in the game. it seems that i am not improving at all, not a bit.

though i must admit that when i gt there i felt alot better…because i have such nice relatives…orangutans (:

and shawn won (: good job ((: orangutan dont cry!

“ 你是第几号过客？1，2，3….不，过客多到数不清了。那么，你今天想当第几号过客？你想留下怎样的印象，给我怎样的影响？想好再答哦，我不想第一印象就是谎言。把今天的日期记下，把你将离开的日期写下。到时，记得要离开哦。”

让我陪着你，多久都愿意 他现在心里唯一想说的就是这句话吧。不明白，他真的不明白。为何他不能成为住客，只能当过客。他没勇气问，他不想连当过客的机会都没有。说实在的，成为过客谁都能够，分别在与留下的印象。他想要的，并不是当过客的机会，而是把这过客留下的印象转变成好的，希望能够渐渐成为住客。为了她，他不管付出多少；为了她，他愿意把所拥有的一切都放下，一切都只是为了她的一副发自内心的笑容。

对外常常带着一副笑容的她，何时是真心，何时是假意，说到最后其实她自己都不清楚。对外说的一字一句，何时是因为自己真得这样觉得，何时是因为习惯性的虚伪，她也不知道。演戏，已经成为她的一部分了。这一切，他比她还要清楚。是谁遗失了你我愿陪着你找回自己。。。

她明白自己演的这出戏只会伤害更多人，才不让任何人住进属于她的圈圈，只让他们当过客。她却没想到，这种想法才是最伤人的看法，而她其实是不想面对自己会受伤害的可能。

****

“那么，离开的日期能够是空着的吗？”隔了半秒，他认真地问。之前的压抑，在今天终于爆发了。

她微微笑，“不行，规矩说明了，只要有开始就要有结束，没有东西是永久的，每个人都是过客，没有例外。”

“规矩，是谁定的？”

她无法辨出一个答案，因为她自己根本就不知道。又或者说，她不知道自己真正想的是什么，她不想再欺骗自己。她选择保持着沉默。

“是你吗？难道说游戏必定要依着你的规矩而进行吗？”

“没错，因为这是属于我的圈圈。”这样的一句话，就脱口而出。她自己也不清楚为何会后这种反应。那是她真心话，还是为了配合剧本的对白，她也不清楚。

她眼前的这个人，她明明想留住，她明明不想让他走，但对于对白，她又无法控制。是因为习惯了吗？是因为习惯在别人面前扮演某个角色了吗？或许，她已经忘了自己，已经找不到自己，再也找不到任何属于自己的事情了。

他哼了一声，不回答，转身就走。心里的煎熬，没人能了解。为何，为何你就是不让我踏入你的世界？为何你如此自私？不让我踏进你的世界，却偏偏踏进我的世界不走？

看着他的背影，脸上不禁露出了一丝失望的表情。但这却在下一秒钟就消失了。她到底是害怕什么？是害怕别人了解自己真正在想的，还是害怕自己会被残酷的世界给欺骗？

****

躺在床上，看着满天星。闭上眼睛，听着自己稳中的呼吸声，听着自己的心跳声。心跳声，似乎给他了启发，似乎让他看清自己的心。手机上的字幕打出了几个字“对你的感觉，你明明知道。你明明知道我是喜欢你的，但为何你就是不接受我？你要我怎样做，你说啊！是为了让我放弃吗？要我放弃，就先叫我如何放下啊！不放下如何放弃？”

“你想怎样是你的决定啊，与我无关。”

苦等几年的结果，就只有这样吗？难道说他所有的努力都没有结果？这种结果，他并不想接受，但一切都摆在面前。她的决定始终是把他搁在圈外。或许这就已经足够让他放下一切的感觉了吧。对于这种苦等，是谁都会厌倦。

“好吧。离开的日期，我现在就能够告诉你。就是今天。”

“生命，不就是一连串的戏，每个人都是戏里的角色，随时随地都在演戏，说好自己的对白，不能面对自己真正想的。而生命里的角色，个个都是过客。当这出戏到了结局，这一些角色都是过客，不存在着。戏里，能够喜欢你；但戏外，你只是个过客了。再见了，这场戏的男主角。”

简讯的两端，收音机播着同样的一句歌词“紧紧相依的心如何say goodbye”。只看见两滴泪慢慢地落下，而那两滴泪慢慢地转变成笑容。两副笑容，都是为了掩饰。他，真的成为了永远的过客，从此消失在她的生命里。。。

class party 2007 yesterday it wasnt a blast, but it did rawk big time

go look at avv’s blog for the nice photoshopped pics

well, i know there were bored people, but i am quite sure there are people who enjoyed

i loved nic’s tiramisu, yiling’s fishball, jing/eeleng’s jelly, em’s marshmallows, and i-dunno-whose cheesecake and oreo yoghurt

and and and of course, i loved mel’s rooftop freaking cool xinying shd have gotten a rooftop house too

can i consider it a success? i dunno, but i know i did enjoy just sitting ard and laughing yr head off

with the “of course” game, and our mini truth dare at the playgrd, where jae chong still owes us one dare!!!

and with just sitting on the rooftop enjoying the wind and talking of tv shows and eating.

it has been long since i talked to someone about MIKE HE being HOTTT, and what other nice shows are there to watch; it has been a long time time since nic amused me so much with her “i can say of course with a straight face”; it has been a long time since i saw so familiar faces, since i saw jacq’s bimboness, since i saw julia’s wackiness, since i saw sandra’s blurness, since i saw liting’s innocence, since i saw yiling trying to hit someone

talking about innocence, we are not that innocent after all…not even nic. lol.

i was happy i know i was i’m not posting any pictures up cos eeyer i look gross in all

the fact was, i was really really scared the whole thing will be i stare at you you stare at me kinduv thing, but nah it didnt love 2G loads :))

and and and, we NEED more class tshirts, cos jae’s already peeled off like shit. lol.

i just love nua-ing around with 2Geeians

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XINYING AND LIANA!!!!

xinying’s 13th bday…betcha feeling proud taht you are finally 13 and nah you shall get yr present only when i see you jiayous and HAVE FUN in msia! dont miss me too much cos i know you will since i am soooo nice

chek’s 15th bday…kaekae, you are older than me now ): blehs. and STOP FROWNING all the best for o’s and everything you do yahh? and for jap! you’re like the only one still doing jap, so jiayous! you can do it de

HAPPY 42ND SINGAPORE

I LOVE SINGAPORE I LOVE THE FACT THAT I AM IN SINGAPORE, THAT I AM SINGAPOREAN :) who knows, i might just switch to the patriotic mode again

i really hope and pray that tomorrow’s class party will be alright. really scared i screw it up ):

NJ’s national day celebrations SUCK big time. i miss last year’s celebration! all the enthuness about NATIONAL DAY, about SINGAPORE, and not about your stoopid houses. i miss last year’s MANY SINGAPORE FLAGS (: ask jing ahh wells, it’s all over. i still love singapore! i still love nday cos it’s singapore!!

the after that, which is BUFFET rawks! but i feel like a PIG! really! the pig in me is OUT AGAIN ): we ate from 2+ to 6…then went to tohyi and ate more…wahseii pig lah me…fat like shit. STRINGS! the whole buffet session was MENTALLY TIRING!

beggars cant be choosers. i hope there’ll still be training on saturday.

要安慰一個人、開解一個人，往往比開解自己容易“看開一點，都已經是過去的事情了，何必在意”也不曉得是不知道要說什麽時硬擠出來的一句話，還是一句理所當然要說的話，又或是真的應該如此做的一句話

心煩

有時候不是不明白對方到底在想什麽，心情是什麽，只是不知如何表示自己的明白。就算明確地說 “我知道，我明白”，仿佛很敷衍，總是沒法表達真正要顯示的關心

遺憾

所謂要好的朋友之間，是完全不能有秘密的嗎？若這群好朋友有10個人，是不是所有10個人的秘密都應該互相知道？

天真

人這感情的動物很複雜

有時候毫無顧慮去做一件事反而有意想不到的好效果，但無心插柳的機會也像奇跡，可以希望不可期望。有時帶着求好的心，弄巧反拙的機會更高。順其自然，又有很多心碎，無法自己掌控的事，很煩。

如果

儅你發現連簡單的喜歡與不喜歡都沒法明確表白，往往得做不想做的事，才發現，真的，長大了。

有時懷疑，任性的選擇與決定是否真的做錯。

我搞不懂

怎麽了

quoted from my favouritest part time DJ really really hope i’ll end up like her one day.

the point is, think about it lah…all of these are so true lah. 那些客套话，那些临时编出来的话，都已经成为理所当然了。有多少时候，你说那几句话，真的是来自自己的心里？有多少时候，你是因为真的明白那种道理而说出那种话的？自己想想吧。。。